Over the past several months, I’ve felt God’s presence in my life begin to dwindle as compared to earlier this year. The question I have to ask myself is what has changed. Has God changed or has Marc been trying to play God?
The latter is obviously the correct answer. I’ve tried to take back control of my recovery by my own actions instead of surrendering that control to people that will spiritually lead me through.
Instead of waiting on God’s timing, I have wrestled with God’s timing. All that has led to is, fear, anger, sadness and guilt from trying to run from God’s plan.
You see it finally hit me what my suicidal thoughts are rooted in a few weeks ago.
I am afraid of God’s plan for my life. I’m afraid of not being capable or qualified. And my “escape” choice is to have suicidal ideation. And I feel I can take back some control by doing so.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago, that I totally surrendered to my therapist a few weeks ago and trusted her spiritual guidance through the coming months.
It was like having a clenched fist and the harder I tried to keep it intact, the harder God had to pry it open.
It has led to me going in circles for months until God got my attention once again.
Do yourself a favor. The next time God asks you to do it something do it right away. And remember, partial obedience is still disobedience in the eyes of God.